I just found out that my sister, my twin, will be spending winter break in a rehab facility for anorexia. I guess she's not healed. It'll be $150 per day that she's there. After so much money that's been thrown at therapists to help her, is this the thing that'll finally help? That will fix her?

I can't help but wondering if it's my fault somehow. I mean we're twins. Twins are complements of each other; one's strength is the other's weakness. Was my strength what made her weak? I had lost weight when I came back from Argentina, after she had gained so much. Did I push her over the edge again? And why can't she just talk to me about any of this?

Yet I can't stop selfishly thinking about how this makes paying for school even harder. No Christmas presents this year either. Oh well, as long as she truly gets better this time. I'm so tired of all of it. I can't cry anymore, or I don't want to atleast. She needs to get better this time. She has to.

      Yesterday I went to a Peace Corps information session, and I was filled with such a longing. If I don't get that fellowship, I want to join the Peace Corps when I graduate. The only problem is that once I graduate I have to start paying off my student loans. I guess I'll figure that out when I get there.
      When I was walking to that session I was filled with this firm feeling that my life will work out. I will succeed in my goals. I will ace my classes. I will get a job. I will lose weight and become the beautiful skinny girl people are more likely to want for a fellowship. I will get the fellowship. I am strong. I will do whatever I can to make all this happen.
      I guess I've always been afraid to fully commit to something because then my failure would just say that I was just completely not good enough. I never let myself lose weight because then my failure to actually have a fully functional relationship would be a result of something being wrong with me instead of my appearance. 
      Now I'm at the point where I'm taking control of my life. I won't let myself drift around not fully connecting to anything just so I don't get hurt. Big risks get big gains. I can succeed. I CAN 

       My whole life I've been the strong one. I take care of myself because no one else has the time to. My twin sister is the one who needs to be taken care of. She's the former anorexic introvert who needs the attention. There's none to spare, nor do I want to be a drain anyway.       
        Really though I just want to avoid my life instead of actually dealing with it. I feel like every time I turn around a new problem is trying to hit me in the face. I went to a high stress high school, so when the opportunity to take a year off and do an exchange came up, I took it. I snowballed my way into living in Argentina for 10 months. I thought it would be the start of my life, the best year, and while I have wonderful memories, it was in no way easy. Just that phrase "taking a year off" seems to imply a year long vacation. I was so wrong. Between the language barrier issue and being on my own in a foreign country, I had my fair deal of stress. I did make some amazing friends that I miss more than I thought was possible.        
       Now I'm in college which is just a whole new mountain of stress, although I think Argentina has made me better at dealing with it. My main problem is that I can't pay for it. I was originally supposed to have this great financial aide package and between going to Argentina and a bunch of bureaucracy, I lost it. Now I'm scrambling to find money just so I can stay at this school that I love. I found out about this fellowship that would pay for junior, senior year, and first year of grad school, but it's super competitive. I don't know if I'll be good enough for it; only one student from my school has ever gotten it. My brain rotted a lot last year and it's more difficult more me to function in a college setting than all these freshmen right out of high school. I should get some political internship this summer, but I'm a poor kid, I cannot afford to take a no paying job. I don't even know how I'll make it to sophomore year even. I just pray that somehow everything will work out and these days will just be a distant memory.          
        When will I be free to just be happy?